The Issue With Eating

Preface

Before I begin, I want to let you know that this piece explores pretty dark thoughts about food that may be triggering to hear about for some people. Please read this blog at your own discretion, and feel free to take breaks or reflect in the comments if you need! This is just my experience with food/ED, I will not try and talk for others. If you are struggling and need support, call/text 988.

Poetry

In high school, I wrote a lot of poetry in my free time. Most of it was morbidly serious, poems about depression, harmful ideation, or crushing anxiety. But every once in a while, a bit of humor bled into my writing; although it was still on the theme of mental illness, it was cynically satirical. Here is one of these poems:

Food will always be our enemy 

Because string beans walk down red carpets

While burgers watch from home

And the potato rots in the pantry

While the peach sits on the throne

-I’ll starve until they see me,

Or until I can no longer be seen

As silly as this poem might seem, each word was so precisely chosen from my view of the world. As a Bulimic with ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), I chose my negatives and positives based off what foods I believed were "worthy" calories. The positive foods, string beans and peaches, were foods I wouldn't feel guilty about after eating- fruits and vegetables. These were "healthy" calories, that I would be willing to keep in my system to digest. The negative foods, burgers and potatoes, were shameful meals and snacks- carbs and red meat. Calories from these foods felt wasteful, and I felt the need to get rid of them in any way possible- my body would not be allowed to digest.

Recovery

Today, I am a Year and 8 months clean from purging (hold your applause), which I am thankful for everyday, but I still struggle with the same thought processes. Something nobody tells you when you start your ED recovery is that 80% of your thoughts everyday will be about food...

Waking up, your first thought is always: what will I eat today, will it be too much? You'll spend too much time on your phone searching the dining menus for safe foods- are there any? You'll mull over when and where and with who you're willing to eat, can you bear to be seen eating in public today? You'll skip breakfast because you didn't workout yesterday, and you don't feel worthy of a morning meal. If you do eat breakfast, you question whether you deserve to eat other meals, what do you need to do to deserve lunch? to deserve dinner? At lunch you'll put too much or too little or just enough food on your plate but no matter what you'll feel guilty. After lunch you'll feel gross, you have to plan your workout, how long do you need to do cardio to fix what you've done? During class you'll lose concentration, zoning off to think of what you ate or didn't eat or are going to eat. When class is over, you'll rush to the gym and do some sort of workout, your muscles are tired and so is you mind but you'll push it anyways. Is todays workout the one that will finally give you the "perfect" body? Or maybe today you're too tired, so you'll skip your workout, and feel like a piece of shit because of it. Its time for dinner, if you worked out you feel like you deserve to fill your plate with dining hall chicken and rice. You'll skip the veggies because they have too much flavor and will make you anxious- unless there's broccoli, you can eat the small florets and crowns. At night you'll be hungry- no matter how much or little you ate today- because that's when you used to binge. As you lay down and try to go to sleep, you'll reflect on what you ate today and decide that tomorrow you will do better; And in the morning, the cycle repeats.

That's how most of my days go, at least. In my experience, everything surrounding food is a bargain. Each moment is a fight with my brain; what can I do to deserve food? The majority of my thoughts are about Food. Calories. Exercise. Body. Food. If I could get away from food-thoughts I'd have the mental capacity to take over the world! But I can't, so I guess I won't be King of Earth just yet.

In all seriousness, battling food thoughts is hard. Plain and simple. Especially in a world where everyone seems to think and talk way too much about food. While going through recovery you learn that the most innocent comments can be triggering. Lets say you're feeling good about your day and decide to have a bowl of ice cream after dinner as a reward. But a friend is sitting with you and says "I wish I could eat ice cream, but my lactose intolerance could not handle that much dairy right now." And now you don't feel good about your ice cream anymore: you're also lactose intolerant- what makes you deserving of this treat when your friend is able to abstain? Or maybe you went to the dining hall to get soup with a couple buddies, soup is a safe food so you're feeling great. As you're enjoying chicken noodle, your friend, only halfway done with their first bowl, exclaims "gosh I'm full! I don't think I can finish this even though its sooo good." But you are on your second bowl, and now your brain tells you that you're eating too much, and should put down the spoon.

Neither of these comments are meant to be aggressive or condescending in any way, but an anxious, ED recovering brain tells you they are. During recovery, which, if you're an addict, you know lasts till the day you die, everything is a reminder of food. Trying on clothes and needing a different size, giving hugs, taking the stairs, bending down to fix shoelaces; all of it is a reminder.

This may seem daunting, and it is, but it should not scare you away from recovery. Before I began rehabilitation, I had no energy, my brain was always foggy, and, more than anything, I didn't like being me or the fact that I was alive. If I hadn't began recovery, I'm not sure I'd be alive today to write this. That may seem dramatic, but its just the truth. My cycles of restricting, binging, and purging were killing me faster than my sick brain could comprehend. When I finally saw a doctor and got tests done, the results were terrifying. I had given myself a heart arrhythmia, my kidneys were shutting down, I was borderline pre-diabetic, my thyroid had all but stopped working- I was actively killing myself. It took seeing these test results to realize I needed to change my ways.

Starting recovery wasn't easy (at all), but finally being able to talk about my struggles with loved ones helped astronomically. Sure, there were days that everyone seemed overbearing, but without my mom and sister relapse would have been around every corner. And, yes, as recovery began I relapsed and failed many times, but I never gave up- largely because I couldn't continue to do that to my family. Recovery forced me to mature in the ways that I viewed myself and my ED. I quickly realized that this wasn't just a personal affliction, but it negatively impacted everyone around me- if I got too sick, I wouldn't be the only one suffering. So please, if you have any doubts about starting your recovery, think about your loved ones, you mom, your sibling, your dog. Sometimes it's hard to choose recovery for yourself, so if that's not where you're at, choose recovery for someone you love.

Creating Change

I know I am not fat; I don't need anyone to tell me that. I also know that "overweight" is a social construct that was created to oppress fat people and claim that there is an "acceptable weight," so I will not claim that I am overweight either. What I will say is that I have fat on my body, more fat than my doctors would like, but not enough to make me oppressed because of it. I am an athlete (with a physical disability, but an athlete none the less), and I am so thankful for all that my body is able to do: I can play soccer, skip with my friends, jump, run (unfortunately), all because of my body. I don't hate my body, because I AM my body; it is not a separate entity. But society tells AFAB folk that we cannot accept our bodies, so we don't. I can count on one hand the number of AFAB people I know who don't want to change anything about their body. This is so terribly sad. But it's also a good fact to know- that you are not alone in this struggle.

I cannot tell you I unconditionally love my body-the ED brain doesn't let that happen- but I do try my best everyday to break that negative thought pattern. Everyday I wake up and try to think about food a little less, maybe I'm only down to 79% of my thoughts being food-thoughts, but that small change is so important. I try my best to be open about my struggles, and help raise awareness- hopefully it makes people feel less alone, but who am I to say.

You might be reading this post and think that it's an overshare. But this isn't some small detail about me that I can hide away- it IS me. Also, who are you to say that I should hide away my ED and pretend it doesn't exist? Why should I be ashamed of something I've worked so incredibly hard to fight through? It has been a long journey for me, and I will not be quiet about it.

Are you worried about your relationship with your body and with food? Have you tried sharing with a close friend? Chances are, your friends have had very similar experiences with food and body. And maybe, just maybe, if you're open about your personal experience, you can help start a larger dialogue about ED, body image, and self-acceptance. If more people shared their stories, maybe the struggling bulimic would finally ask for help. Maybe if we were less critical of our own eating, the struggling anorexic wouldn't feel as guilty for enjoying a meal. Maybe if we treated all body types as acceptable, beautiful, and natural, young AFAB people wouldn't think they have to be skinny to be worthy. Maybe we can create a world where ED and self-hatred isn't the norm.

This change won't happen overnight. Just like how I probably wont wake up tomorrow and no longer have to bargain with food. But by sharing our struggles, listening to others, and working towards a healthier, body/food-positive society, maybe we can get 1% closer. That 1% could make a difference for someone struggling in silence, and at the end of the day- that's what matters. Revolution doesn't happen overnight, it takes time, dedication, and people power.

Conversation

I want to hear from you guys! I know these things are hard to talk about, but it is so important to do so. If you feel so inclined, leave a comment about your food/body struggles and how you combat them. You don't need to give your name or any defining characteristics if you don't want, I just ask that you be respectful and mindful of others' experiences as you write.